I haven’t neglected you. I tested positive for COVID-19 and it was a horrible experience. I couldn’t gather the energy to do anything. Some of the smallest things like laundry or watching something was impossible. I spent the first few days bed bound, in and out of sleep, drinking water and going to the toilet. A whole 14 days over Christmas and new year I was out of action.
I couldn’t make beats, I couldn’t write, I couldn’t even practice Español. Basically… My whole life was on pause.
I had to just kick back and respect my body needing to be still and fight this thing.
Big Christmas, and my favourite day of the year was spent indoors watching movies; I did watch a lot of films I’ve never seen and avoid in life. I’m definitely a BIG fan of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Stylistically it’s out of this world! Absolutely love it, especially when they go to Vulgaria.
There was no contact with the outside world, no linkup for food. Nada. Nunca.
Do you know how much energy it took to wrap the gifts I brought?
I didn’t even get to enjoy my Christmas tree as I usually would, nor did I get to put my feet up on Christmas Eve and await the magic of Christmas with a champagne toast. Crazy!!!
It feels great to be back though in full health again. It deffo was a scary experience. I was just in a cycle of sleeping, drinking water and urinating for 3 whole days.
I just remember being in bed wondering how I got here?
Asking myself questions like; how am I in the firing line whilst there’s a deadly virus running ragged, assisting random people who may have the virus, masked up and talking to non-maskers spewing absorbents?
Big man of my age with no type of freedom to be like
Nah brudda, I’m battening down the hatches and shielding in my yard, I can’t be mixing with random people and zombie consumers.
I’m out in the line of danger just to pay bills, just to keep my job because I’m confined to a seat on the system of capitalism that is built on a foundation of exploitation which needs to keep going. There’s no cash reserves in the coffers of industries as they live cheque to cheque like the average adult in the western world with less than enough money to cover their bills for a year. Industry giants walking the tightrope of risk as they operate within a street hustler day to day mindset rather than mitigate for the unforeseeable. We’ve seen a lot of them fall like dominos over the past year as they can no longer sustain the robbing Peter to pay Paul leveraging during a prolonged period of uncertainty.
The whole ordeal made me much more determined to buy my freedom.
What am I doing now that my future self will thank me for, what’s my timeline of progress?
How long could I survive for if everything shut down and they presented furlough as an option, could I weather the storm?
The short answer is no.
I couldn’t survive for a few weeks at the moment. Yes there’s different pots for different things I’m working on but in terms of a liquid fund I need to up that asap, although not and never before I clear up some personal debts which is always the main priority.
Covid made me evaluate life like I hadn’t before because what previously in some shape or form seemed to be more of a moral panic was phased out and the world started getting back to normal, caught up with me. The scariest part was the magnitude that it hit me. My diabetic nurse warned me of the dangers with my pre-existing conditions, I should’ve shielded from the jump but I didn’t want to let the side down. I didn’t want to be ‘that’ guy, this was my chance to step up however I quickly realised how different it would be operating in the Covid rra where everything is zoom, Webex and distancing behind masks. Resources are stretched so you’re confined to the front line.
What I saw as the ideal path back in January 2020 quickly became the biggest mis-step as I was in a different ocean when the lines were blurred and there were no clearly defined boundaries. It’s pretty much day to day, no forecasting or planning ahead, no originality or shared vision, just a series of tick boxes and happy to have survived the KPIs from the previous weeks.
I quickly realised throughout this past year that my grandiose ideas and vision are in some respects wasted in the spaces I frequent. I reflect on whether I need to be more open in my approach to life. I reflect on whether I need to reverse the self fulfilling prophecy mindset that every time I forecast myself in a new opportunity, I’d feel unfulfilled. I reflect that I have a lot of work to do both personally and professionally however as is the age old adage goes, Rome weren’t built in a day goes. I’ll have to do my thing brick by brick consistently
It was torture laying up in that bed. Too exhausted and sick to do the stuff I loved doing. Too exhausted to do stuff that makes me feel alive. I don’t think any of you will understand how much of an ordeal that was.
I prayed and wished that I made it through. I remember reflecting on whether I would’ve been happy with what I achieved in life so far which led me down a vortex. I came to the realisation that I’ve spent life playing it safe. I’ve never been as bold as I could’ve been. I’ve always downplayed everything in life and humbled myself. How would I feel if I were to die of this thing, would I be happy with how my life turned out?
What would my legacy be?
Would I regret not taking more risks?
Would I regret waiting such a long time to do whatever I wanted?
I learnt that too late in life.
I found that I had too many things that were unresolved and unfinished. So many things unreleased. I realised that my life is just one big draft box of unexecuted ideas.
The title is wildly suggestive, don’t get it twisted though, I’m not wallowing in self pity nor am I exploiting that I fell ill, I’m just keeping it real with y’all. This is probably the first time I’ve actually sat down and wrote something since getting licked down by Covid-19. Funnily enough it was surprisingly cathartic. As its the first time I’ve unscrambled and articulated these thoughts.
For every reflection and every vortex like point I raised, there’s always hope, there’s always solutions, there’s always options, forever there will be optimism.
¡Hasta el jueves!
¡Feliz Año Nuevo!