Malted Milk Biscuits – Put some respek on em

When you think about a biscuit tin, you often think of the hero biscuits such as Digestives, Custard Creams, Burbons [yuck], and [god forbid] Nice. More often than not someone will always reach for a Rich Tea or even consider a pink wafer, even though you probably wouldn’t dunk it traditionally, but nobody seems to celebrate the Malted Milk biscuit.

Aesthetically Pleasing

The Malted Milk is perhaps one of the only biscuits featuring a fresco that pays homage and raises awareness to the plight of its ingredients; the iconic barley leaves bordering a scene of free range cows out in the fields living their best lives from a bygone era before the present day where they’d be kept in a cage, artificially inseminated and attached to pumps where their udders would be sore from hours of continuous pumping, unable to roam, trapped in a warehouse with hay sparsely scattered through their caged area where they dwell under artificial lights and watch helplessly as people in white coats, hard hats, goggles and wellington boots stroll by with clipboards prodding them as they go.

An Honorary Place

I feel like Malted Milks deserve a bit more respect from companies who compile variety boxes because they have existed alongside the more popular biscuits since 1923, and they’re still going strong. In your time of desperation and despair, the Malted Milk has always been there for you and your seedy little binges.

Yes, none of us can describe exactly what a Malted Milk tastes like, but what we do know is that whether they’ve been in the tin for a day or have been neglected long past their sell by date, there’s actually no difference. I believe that’s their USP, alongside their dunk-ability of course.

How dunkable is this biscuit, will they disintegrate into a giant mug of my chosen hot drink, or will the biscuit make it from being dunked for a few seconds to being elevated and placed safely in my mouth?

Valid questions, that only the biscuit connoisseurs can answer, or anyone whose ever given something like that a second thought. Are malted milks a last resort biscuit or were they in your tin by choice, are they featured in your all star variety box lineup?

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