I’ve spun enough plates over the past few years to know when it’s time to step away and allow all of them to fall to the ground and shatter into a million pieces.
I don’t think I stuck around to see them all fall, I just turned my back and walked off into the darkness without any explanation -never to be heard from again.
I realised that some things that I’m good at aren’t actually that fun when pursued, they become a chore of sorts, a burden of time, energy and resources. No longer a pastime but just another job, just another cycle.
I write better than I speak so you don’t have to feel the need to forgive me if I opt not to talk on the phone or return calls, messages or requests to meet. I prefer my own company in my home space where I feel most at peace.
I’m not anti-social, I’m just not so social, I love to observe the world as I pass through rather than take part in activities that often feel like I’m obliged to do.
My healthy obsession to get away has made me realise why I am this way. Way back when I used to venture out to escape but nowadays I stay indoors and relax for most of the day.
I have no plans, I’m baffled and lost fam, do I still make music or am I a writer fam, do I still DJ or am I blogging fam, what’s my career goal or career plan?
Feeling alone sometimes wondering whether my quest to disappear has served me right, I wonder why I can only write whilst travelling a mile underground or up late at night.
Am I a prisoner of my desire to stay low-key or out of reach, will this explain why I’m up at 2am writing trains of thought as if it’s 1012BC?
I no longer know what it is I seek but exploring all trauma I’ve buried deep has benefitted me.
I know myself.
There’s no masks to be found here, just me, myself, and I in the mirror staring down an abyss of a lifetime of unaddressed fears.
I have zero cares.
There’s no more to give, and ones I had given at some point have been cashed in. If you had one and didn’t cash it in, I’m not sorry to say it, the care is forfeited.
I don’t get the point of this, I’m up late writing to clear my thoughts of this but I say that to say this…
I’m lost, I‘m taking time to find a path to fulfilment of that I seek to wherever it is I desire to be.